Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Stressed out

First of all I would like to wish all my friends a belated Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year. I have been really stressed out lately since I came out to my family about my apostasy. It's been over two months now that I haven't seen my brothers and their wives and the kids because they disowned me completely when I told them on Oct 26 2012 that I had left Islam a year ago and months before I met John.

I know it wasn't a very wise thing to do, but frankly, they were getting on my nerves with their convert him convert him convert him chanting. As if a record got stuck while playing and just would not move on. I had to tell them that basically their theory about my relationship or marriage with John not being halal in the eyes of Allah is no longer applicable to me, since I had left Islam long before I even knew John existed.

I don't understand why, but my family members actually think that by punishing me like this by ostracizing me from the community, they would make me come back to Islam. In fact, whenever my mum calls to check on me, she never fails to ask "Shakila, you haven't converted to Christianity, have you?" and each time I lie, saying no, mom, I haven't, and I am still an agnostic. She then heaves a huge sigh of relief and says alhamdullah, which means thanks to Allah. I guess they are still thinking I am going thru a phase and one day eventually I would revert back to Islam, and according to them if I convert to Christianity, or for that matter any other religion, it means the door to reverting back to Islam is shut for good.

These days my aunt from the US, my mom's younger sister, is visiting her for a few days, and she insisted she wants to see me and my fiancé, so this afternoon John and I went over to my mom's place with James, and I have to admit, they were pretty nice to him and treated him waaaay better than my parents ever did. For a moment I almost started to believe things were going to be fine, but alas, that was just wishful thinking. As soon as James left after an hour or so, my aunt started her emotional stuff, begging me to come back to Islam. She even went as far as to say to me that I don't really have to be a devout practising Muslim as I used to be and and as long as I say the shahada in front of everyone, they would be fine with it and would never expect me to pray or fast or do any rituals like I used to, but she kept on insisting to just go back to Islam, nevertheless very non practising.

I was totally out of my wits when she was saying all that, because I really didn't know how to react. This was the most insane thing I had ever heard from a Muslim person's mouth. She kept on about her kids, who are totally non practising, being born and brought up in the US, but nevertheless they would never deny or reject Mohammed, because one day they do want to come to real Islam. Gosh, Muslims are really screwed up people, I have to say. Everything is fine with them whether u pray or not, fast or not, do hijab or not, but at the end of the day they want you to recite the fucking shahada so that you won't end up being in hell for eternity, of course the most kind and merciful Allah would definitely burn u in hell fire for few centuries for not practising proper Islam, but then eventually, he would forgive you all your sins and place you in the garden of paradise, why? Just because you never denied the holy prophet Mohammed no matter what else you did.

This is how twisted the mind of a Muslim is. Totally screwed up people..

Saturday, November 10, 2012

What Do I Have To Do Now?

I don't know what it will take to make people believe in me and my story. I have been writing this blog for the last one year, and still some people doubt if I really exist and some even accuse me of being Robert Spencer's creation and that he made me up and he is the one writing the blog himself.

Now for a moment if we believe that assumption, it would mean my friend Bob has a very wild imagination to put himself in the shoes of a woman who happens to be an ex Muslim. Some people here accused me after reading my last blog that my English is too American. Well, what else do you expect? I have grown up with American TV shows. As my fiancé always says, trashy American soap operas, but I don't agree with him, because I owe what I am now to all these American TV shows which I have been watching since I was a toddler. Dallas, Falcon Crest, Dynasty, Magnum, Fall Guy, Knight Rider, Small Wonder, Bill Cosby show, the Jeffersons, Different Strokes, Bold and the Beautiful, Melrose Place, Friends, Beverly Hills, Sex and the City, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, and the list goes on and on.

So just think using your brains for a change, if I don't get influenced with American TV and speak American English then what else do I use? Mandarin or Spanish? Its funny how people try to look for loopholes to prove that I am not real, and frankly I really don't know how am I going to prove to everyone that I exist and I am not Robert Spencer's creation. OK here is what I will do. I will call everyone personally, whoever is brave enough to give their number. I will call each and everyone of you. What do to say to that, my fearful friends?

You can email your phone number to kshakila13@gmail.com.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The cat is out of the bag -- part two

I am overwhelmed with the response that I got on my last post, and it feels wonderful to know that people who I have never met and who don't even know my real name are so concerned about my safety. Well, rest assured that I am absolutely safe.. I am sure most of you must have guessed that I live in UAE, not Saudi or Kuwait or Iran, or worse still, Afghanistan and Pakistan. This country is too westernised and far too eager to be in the good books of dear old uncle Sam. There is a nightclub and bar in every area and alcohol is freely available, but you need a liquor permit for that, which, by the way, I happen to have, even though I have a Pakistani passport and am a Muslim on paper. There has never been a case of honor killing in this country and not likely to be one now. So please, my dear friends and well wishers, rest assured that I am fit and fine and my family are not going to kill me and jeopardize their future.

Both my brothers have good stable jobs and so do their wives. They live in luxurious apartments and their children attend private British schools. They both have four wheel drive cars and so do their wives. They travel to Europe or the far east every summer. Do you honestly think they would risk losing all that and get deported to Pakistan or put behind bars? There is no way they would forsake their heavenly luxurious lives for anything or anyone, and yes, that means not even for Allah or Mohammed. As far as my parents are concerned, they don't have a penny of their own. My dad is retired and mom a housewife all her life. My two brothers and I support them financially. By the way, I write cheques and give them to my parents every few months. In fact the last time I spoke to my mom, on Saturday, when I told her about my apostasy, the last thing she did before hanging up was to remind me that December is the last cheque she has. I assured her that I will write cheques for the next six months and send the envelope to her with my company driver. So you see, it's next to impossible that my family would kill the hen which lays the golden eggs.

Ok, let's go back to the conversation I had with my mom on Saturday. I made it very clear to her that I left Islam last year in October, four months before I met John, so there is no way they would link my apostasy to him. They know we been together since February and he came to the country in January, so his life is no danger at all.  To be honest, the phone call with my mom didn't end that bad, at least not as bad as I had expected. In fact, I almost felt she actually understood why I did what I did. She was in a shock, no doubt, but she never said don't call me again. When I was telling her about Mohammed and how he made it all up and he invented Islam just for his own benefit and financial gain, she never said she doesn't want to hear about it. In fact she said she is too old to even consider doubting Islam and she wants to spend rest of her remaining life in peace. I didn't tell her openly that I am a Christian now lest she blames John for proselytizing me, but I did say to her that even though I may not believe in Allah and Mohammed anymore, I still do believe in God but he is just a different God from yours and he is more loving. He doesn't teach violence and he says to love everyone. I told her more than once that John has nothing to do with my leaving Islam and he is just a catalyst which helped me to come out, or else I might have ended up being a closeted apostate rest of my life. John's life is not in danger because now he is no longer in the picture for them. They are just very sad, disheartened and disappointed in me, that how can our daughter or sister do this after being such a pious Muslim all her life.

The phone conversation with my mom proved to be very constructive and I have a gut feeling it won't be the last.

The best thing out of all this is my mood swings are not as bad. I don't feel like crying all the time because that burden is finally off my chest. I no longer have to pretend anymore, in fact, the last two nights I have slept really well. I haven't felt this light hearted since I left Islam last year. I no longer have to pretend being a Muslim and I don't have to hear those lectures about going to hell and offending Allah, because now they know I don't believe in Allah or Mohammed anymore. Now my brothers and their wives won't forward me stupid hadeeth or ayaats because they know it means nothing to me anymore. So in a way, I am relieved that finally I can live an honest life, no more pretense.

I am actually happy...

Saturday, November 3, 2012

The cat is finally out of the bag...

Oh yes, there have been some massive new developments. I have finally come out in the clean. Told my family today about my apostasy. I told my mother and my two sisters in law that I am no longer a Muslim, though I wish I had done this long ago. It's been a few hours since the bombshell, and I am sure they would have told my dad and brothers by now. It's been on my mind for some time, because I am sick and tired of pretending and living a dual existence, especially since my family had been sending me feelers, and as I mentioned last time, my brother and their wives wanted to get to know John better and were trying to accept him as part of the family, but all this was really not genuine, because they had an ulterior motive. They were assuming and expecting John would become a Muslim and do a nikah with me.

Today it was the last straw, when I ran into Sara and Uzma at the gym, my two sisters in law. They as usual had a message from my mom. She and dad apparently wanted to meet me somewhere and get some clarification about my faith. What clarification, I asked, to which they said my parents are concerned about my faith, if I am still as devout a Muslim as I used to be, and would John do a nikah with me in the mosque and would he recite the shahada in front of everyone. For a moment I was tempted to just go on with the charade that I have been playing for the last one year, but then I thought, what the hell. I am tired of living a lie and it's high time I come out with the truth. What's the worst that can happen? My parents have already disowned me, and perhaps they would disown me a grade higher, perhaps tell the world their daughter is dead, or worst come worse, they would just kill me, which is highly unlikely in this part of the world. They are old and retired and lived all their lives in the middle east. They don't want to spend the rest of their lives behind bars, or worse still, get deported to the God forsaken Pakistan, which is literally a hell on earth.

I knew my parents could not do much, so I just blurted out to Sara and Uzma that I am not a Muslim anymore. Gosh, you should have seen the look on their face, as if they had seen a ghost or something, they looked fearful and terrified and shocked. As if I said something so unbelievably shocking and demonic that hearing those words would bring a curse to their lives. They said, what? What do you mean? Please say you didn't really mean it. Please don't let us down like this. We have convinced your brothers to let it go and accept John, and we are trying to convince your parents as well. If this is true, then we won't be able to do anything, and if we tell this to our husbands, they would never let us speak to you again, and you would never be able to see your nieces and nephews again, because you will be literally dead to us.

I said that I have been living this lie, this facade for over a year, trying to please everyone and see that no one gets hurt, but I just can't do it anymore. They said they don't have the guts or courage to tell about my apostasy to my parents and that I should do it myself as soon as possible, because they are actually hoping for a reconciliation with John and me on the condition that John accepts Islam in front of everyone and does nikah, which is the Islamic marriage ceremony with me in the mosque. So I said fine. I will do it. I called my mom right then and there.

She was so shocked to hear from me after months, and I asked her, what clarification are you looking for? Sara and Uzma told me this morning, and I thought, it's about time we have a heart to heart conversation and an honest conversation for a change, with no lies or deceptions. Then she started pulling out all the skeletons from the closet, saying we trusted you so much but you let us down, you went against the teachings of Islam. You didn't just offend your parents, but offended Allah and his prophet, to which I said, Yes, about that, Mom, you see, I don't believe in Allah and his so called prophet anymore. I disowned Allah and Mohammed a year ago, and you know what? I have never been happier, Mom.

I swear you could have knocked her over with a feather. She was absolutely silent for a few seconds; then she said that they had started to doubt that I have moved away from my faith but they never thought for a moment that I would actually apostasize from Islam like that. I told her that even I never imagined I would give up Islam, as I was so sure of it all my life that this is the only truth, the only path that leads to heaven, but now that I know the truth, I feel I want to tell the whole world about it. I told her the whole story then how in the summer of 2011 I had got the English quran from Pakistan, and how the book seemed so fishy to me, nothing in it made sense. I told her that all my life I had merely read the quran without understanding it, but this time, I actually studied it like a scholar would, not only quran but the hadeeth and the sira and all that because one day I had accidentally stumbled upon www.alisina.org and then from there I got into jihadwatch and the rest, as they say, is history.

I told her that if she wanted, I would send her the links to those websites so she could check out the truth herself that Islam is nothing but pure deception, a cult created by none other but the self proclaimed prophet Mohammed. I asked her a question which left her speechless. I said, Mom, how can you say Islam is a religion of peace when the first thing it says is to kill anyone who leaves it. Isn't that ample proof that it's a cult, an evil cult? She said that she was not interested to hear about all that and she was very happy being a Muslim. We had a very long discussion on this, which I will write about in my next post. Till then, have a great weekend, friends. To be continued.

Friday, October 26, 2012

How Many Times Do I Have to Clarify?

Now how many times do I have to clarify why I do not respond to all your comments personally? Well, I will say it once again, that I live in a fucking Islamic country, and Robert Spencer himself advised me not to post on my blog myself, so each time I want to voice my views, I just write an article and then email it to Bob to just put it up on my blog so in case some psychopath Islamist wants to track me down to kill me, he can never do that by the IP or whatever way they are supposed to track people down.

I would like to thank everyone for their very inspiring and encouraging comments or at least most of them are, some like skouti really do not make much of a difference. As they say, you can’t shut up every barking dog on the street.

Regarding Islam being a peaceful religion, that is precisely what I believed in most of my life, and that is why I was a practising Muslim. I thought Islam means peace and that there is no compulsion in religion because that is what the Quran says. Little did I know that those peaceful verses were later abrogated by the harsh and deadly ones which ordered the Muslims to kill the non Muslims wherever they found them. I had no idea whatsoever that Islam encouraged adultery, that is, men can have sex with slave women and also they can beat up their wives. There was a hell of a lot which I did not know, hence I was proud being a Muslim. It is all thanks to Ali Sina and his website and then his book that I found out the truth about Islam and its founder, the self proclaimed prophet Mohammed. Then I read Robert Spencer’s book “The Truth about Mohammed,” which further made me decision firmer to leave Islam.

Now for the last one year exactly, I have been an apostate of Islam, which means no praying, no fasting, no quran recition (which by the way was so dead boring), no zakat, no nothing. I could not have been happier, but then there was something missing for which I was a bit sad, since I could not exactly pin point what it was till I met John and he showed me the path that leads to Christ. Ever since I have accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and saviour, I could not have asked for more. I am in total bliss since April this year and I owe it all to my John; not only did he show me the right path, but he has promised to hold my hand for as long as we both live. He has been extremely loving and supportive and even faced the wrath of my family with his unfaltering love and faith in me and in our relationship.

I would request all of you to go back and read some of my old articles in which I have mentioned about the hateful verses of the Quran which condemn the Jews and Christians, and how it commands the Muslims to either kill them or enslave them.

Islam is a hateful religion, sorry, I mean a cult which was created by a psychopath for his own benefit, and I am sure he never himself believed that it would survive for so many centuries.

I would request all Muslims to please wake up and see what you are doing. You are worshipping the devil himself. Mohammed was nothing but anti Christ himself and so was Hitler. There were so many similarities between the two, in fact Quran is quite a bit like Mein Kampf. Gosh, I just hope they are both burning in hell side by side… Amen.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

An update

It has been over three months since my last post, when I had written about how my family had disowned me when I had introduced them to John and told them about our relationship and our future plans. Well, a lot has happened since then, and I don't know where to begin. As you guys know, John left for UK first week of July, and then I joined him third week, and then I had the most amazing holiday of my life. We stayed in London for few days, then went to Wales, then back to England, then went to France, Germany and Belgium, back to London and then back home to the lousy Middle East. The good news is that John and I went to the registrar's in London and applied for a marriage permit, which is valid for a year, so now we are planning to get married next summer and then go away on a long honeymoon to Spain and Italy.

Ever since we got engaged, my life has been absolutely bliss, to say the least. John is the most considerate and loving man I have ever known in my life. In the past I have dated a bunch of Muslim morons who didn't know the first thing about respecting a woman. I have been through so many abusive relationships that sometimes I feel like pinching myself to see whether I am dreaming because no one can be this nice to me. He treats me like a queen and showers me with so much love and affection that I almost forget that I don't have a family anymore. He is all the family I have and I feel so grateful to God that he sent him to my life at a time when I was totally lost and had no direction whatsoever. Not only did he show me the true path that leads to God, but he has held my hand since then.

All my life I dreamt of the perfect man, a perfect marriage and perfect kids. I dreamt how my parents would dote on their son in law and their grandkids. Little did I know that I would meet the perfect man of my dreams, but my parents would never accept him as part of their family -- let alone that, they even cut me out of their lives completely. It hurts like hell, but there is nothing I can do and frankly, I can't blame them, because it is not them, it the cult of bastard Mohammed which is making them do all this to their own daughter. Each and every day, I just feel so sad when I think of the good old days when I was growing up with so much love from my family, and now I am no more than a stranger to them, all because of one self proclaimed prophet and his imaginary Allah. It is not fair at all, and I just can’t help feel sorry for my parents for their stupidity. They are blind, deaf and dumb because they just can’t see beyond Islam, and there is no way I can ever tell them that Islam is false, it’s a man made religion and Mohammed was a psychopath, a liar, and you guys are cutting off ties with your own daughter for some lunatic who died 1400 years ago.

This is sad but true, I have a man who makes me very happy, but at the same time, I don’t have a family anymore. I just wish and pray to God that I get my own family very soon. Maybe once I get my child, I would not feel this void in my life.

Monday, July 9, 2012


Disowned!!!! Yeah, that is what my family has done to me. They have disowned me for life... Why? Because I am in love with a British Christian man and want to spend the rest of my life with him. Isn't it strange? How can parents be so ruthless towards their own flesh and blood?
Well, as you all know, things were not going very good with John, he just wasn't willing to commit, so I sort of gave him an ultimatum. I said either you commit to me or else I am leaving this country for good and moving to the US, where I would be granted asylum based on my apostasy. He got paranoid and agreed to meet my family, since my parents are on a visit this summer and staying with my brothers, so I invited mom and dad for lunch two weeks ago to a restaurant and told them that I am bringing someone special whom I want them to meet and approve. They were a bit skeptical, but I think they almost assumed it would be a Pakistani or an Indian Muslim or maybe an Arab, but I am sure they never expected to see a white guy.

As soon as they entered the restaurant, John and I got up to greet them. To say that my parents were shocked beyond their wits would be the understatement of the year. Anyway, dad shook hands and we all sat down for lunch and I must say that dad did behave pretty good, he was civil to him and they both talked about cricket, food, England, the Middle East and the crazy Arabs and their erratic driving. It went on pretty smooth and then we all departed with a very civil goodbye. Then an hour later, while John and I were watching a movie at his place, mom called me up and said, "This is the last time I am calling you, because your dad and I disown you: from this day onwards, you are dead for us. You have really let us down by getting involved with a non Muslim. It's over, so please
never even try to get in touch." And she just hung up on me.

I was devastated and started crying uncontrollably. John could not believe it either, and poor guy has been extremely supportive since then. Last week my mom sort of came around, she called me up, but now she is pretending nothing happened. She always calls me when dad is not around, which I am sure means dad has no idea she is talking to me. Both my brothers are not talking to me either, but my sisters in law are, and they have been very nice about it. I guess women are easier to come around than men when it comes to matters of the heart.

John left for the UK last week and I then applied for a UK visit visa, which I just got on Thursday, and now the next step is to apply for a Schengen visa, as John and I plan to travel across Europe, but the most difficult part is how in the world am I going to explain to my family, friends, colleagues and everyone else that why the hell am I going away on a trip to the UK and Europe right in the middle of Ramadan. They don’t know that I am not a Muslim anymore and this time in Ramadan, for the first time in my life, I won’t be fasting, so that part is going to be tough.

I know one thing for sure, that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man and I can do anything, just about anything for him and our future together. I would like to request all my readers to please pray for us and that my family would eventually come around and accept me for what I am. So till next time, have a great week. Cheers.