Hey friends, how have you been? First of all I would like to explain my extended leave of absence from the blog, as I was travelling and just returned Friday night. I just went down to Karachi for a week to see my parents and also to attend a distant cousin's wedding. She was very close to me at one time. But this time I was shocked to see the change in her. She has actually started wearing hijab because her to-be husband wanted her to do that. She did not even seem to mind, because she thinks that her husband is opening a door for her in heaven, since he will definitely be going there himself. The wedding was extremely simple, with no extravagant rituals, which is the norm in a typical Pakistani wedding. No music, no dancing, no nothing. Apparently, my cousin's in-laws think that it is a sin to perform any such ritual in a wedding, and that a wedding should be performed as per the Sunnah.
I found it a little difficult to adjust in Karachi this time, and I just felt like packing my bags and flying back home every day. It is not easy to pretend being a Muslim among so many staunch and practising Muslims, but thankfully, I am not a very bad actress, even if I may say so myself. I carried out the act pretty convincingly. I even used to lay down the prayer mat on the floor and sit on it while humming a song to myself. LOL. Oh boy, I am so glad to be back to my normal life where I can be myself and of course back to writing my blog.
Ever since I gave up Islam and became an apostate, my life is pretty simple, easy and enjoyable. I mean I can drink with friends without feeling guilty and I can have a normal love life without the fear of eternal hell fire. On one side, this cannot make up for the time lost, but at least I can make the most of what I have, the remaining few years of my life. I am not sure whether there is an eternal life or not, and perhaps this could be the only life that I ever get. That is why I want to be happy, as happy as I could get. I have lived enough in depression, guilt and fear.
This evening, while I was having a stroll in the park, I ran into my good old Australian neighbors, a very delightful couple in their late 50's who were out with their dog for his daily walk. The last time I had bumped into them, I was a bit averse to dogs. Even though I had given up Islam few months ago, still I could not make myself touch a dog, I was just too paranoid. But today, I had this sudden urge to bend down and pat him, and I whispered into his ears, "I am sorry, Benny, I am so sorry for the way I have always treated you and hated you for no fault of yours". I felt sick to my stomach thinking how could I have hated such a lovely and friendly little animal just because some psychopath lunatic said so. I felt extremely ashamed of myself, and I felt as if Benny could see the remorse in my eyes because he actually gave me a friendly little bark which meant, It's all right, Shakila, I forgive you. Then I looked up at the old couple who were staring at me as if I had just french kissed their dog or something. It sure was a funny sight. I just can't stop laughing each time I think of that moment and the look on their face. But I have to admit, I do feel wonderful, as if I have made peace with all the dogs in the world. I was probably 12 years old when my Islamic Studies teacher told me that our prophet hated dogs and she even quoted a hadeeth saying Abdullah (b. Umar) reported: "Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) ordered the killing of dogs and we would send (men) in Medina and its corners and we did not spare any dog that we did not kill, so much so that we killed the dog that accompanied the wet she-camel belonging to the people of the desert." (Sahih Muslim, Book 010, Number 3811).
I guess many Muslims don't have the ability to think and I am really ashamed to admit that perhaps I was one of them too. Why else would I actually hate poor little innocent dogs just because I was told to do so? I guess it means that Muslims really do not have a mind of their own and are totally incapable of thinking rationally and logically, and those who actually dare to do so end up being like me. An Apostate of Islam.