I think I am having one of those writer's blocks these days... Don't know what's gotten into me, but I feel kind of depressed and extremely lonely these days, and today I just wanted to write about what I am going though instead of writing about Mohammed or Islam.
Even when I am surrounded my thousands, I still feel so alone. I guess this is because I am living this dual existence which is killing me from inside. I have to pretend I am one of them when I am certainly not anymore. Sometimes I feel like crying out hysterically, while at others, I just want to laugh out loud. The other day I was sitting in our office cafeteria with a group of friends who were all laughing and gossiping, but I was sitting in a corner just smiling, while at the same time, my eyes were slightly damp with tears. I felt this sudden stab in my heart that these women who are supposed to be my friends and who say they love me actually just love me for what I am. If they found out that I am no longer one of them, they would hate me and would want to kill me. What kind of love is this? Not only them, I feel the same when I am with my family. I have realized that all these people, my friends, family and relatives, just love me for what I am. Everyone's love is so conditional. The truth hurts so much and the more I think of it, the more depressed I feel.
I am a good human being and I believe in God. I have never hurt anyone and I never intend to do, but still, why is this not enough? Why should an apostate of Islam be killed for leaving something he or she no longer believes in? Can anyone honestly tell me its fair?
Once I realized that I am no longer a Muslim, I started searching for my new faith. My first choice was Christianity, for which I did a lot of research and reading, and even asked several questions to Robert, which he very kindly and patiently tried to answer. Then I started looking at Judaism, and for that I befriended a very sweet and kind Rabbi. I really bored him to death with my innumerable stupid questions, which he very kindly answered with lots of references. I am also checking out Hinduism and Buddhism these days. It is very strange and sort of funny that for 35 years I blindly followed a religion believing it would lead me to heaven and then one fine day, I find out that all that was just a facade and a false religion. Now that I am reading about other religions and comparing them with Islam, I feel they do make much more sense than Islam ever did, mainly because no other religion tell us to kill those who do not believe; but at the same time, no religion actually makes complete sense.
I somehow feel every religion has its pros and cons, good and bad points. No religion is absolutely perfect, so I somehow feel it would be better if I just believe in one God and forget the rest. Or perhaps it is too soon to fall into another religion. Maybe I have lived far too long in this cult and it has made me a tad suspicious of everything and everyone. Perhaps I should just leave it for the time being, and then whenever I feel I am ready, I would find the true path that leads to God. I guess it would be safe to say that currently I am just an agnostic; it's safer to just leave it to that.
I can't help wondering how nice and peaceful the world would have been had there been no religion at all. Maybe all religions are just manmade. Every time and era had its own needs and requirements; that is why a new religion was created to gain control and power. Perhaps religion is nothing but a power game. If you carefully read all the religious literature, you would find most of the stuff mentioned does not really make much sense. It is a bunch of unbelievable fairy tales and a lot of allegories.
A hundred different questions, but no answer. This is getting more and more complicated, and, I have to admit, a little frustrating as well. I just can't help but think that perhaps I have opened a Pandora's box which has created havoc in my life. I have not slept peacefully for the last few months and don't know when will I find peace in my life again.
One thing is for sure: that I do believe in God and I do not want to become an Atheist ever. I just hope that I am able to find him soon, for till then, the quest for a new God continues.....