I am at work right now but not able to concentrate on anything because there is this deep anger and bitterness inside me which is making it impossible to live a normal life. So I thought, let me start writing and release the tension right away, or else I will end up having a nervous breakdown. Why am I so stressed? Even I do not know for sure, but I guess it is just the people around me who make me mad. I mean these fanatic Muslims who have nothing better to do all day except pray, recite the Quran and share that moron’s anecdotes with other equally stupid idiots.
Someone has commented on my last post that why don’t I share it with my parents instead of writing about it on the blog? I think either that guy is mentally challenged or he is just a sadist who wants to read about yet another honor killing in the Muslim world. My parents are really staunch Muslims. My dad prays in the mosque five times a day and my mom wears the burqa and prays 6 times a day, 5 obligatory prayers and then an additional one called Tahajjud. There is no way I can share with parents or my siblings or any of my relatives, and not even with my Muslim friends or colleagues. If my family ever finds out, they might not kill me, but they will definitely disown me for life.
The only reason I am writing this blog is because I need to release my pent up frustrations and this is the only way I can do it, an anonymous blog. None of you can understand my predicament unless and until you also happen to be an ex-Muslim. Even now, I get nightmares every night where I am either fasting or praying or circumambulating around that black square object in Mecca. I get panic attacks each time I pass by a mosque or hear or see people praying. I have spent 35 years in an evil cult and it is so difficult to get over it or put it behind me. Sometimes, I even feel suicidal because I just cannot take it anymore, I feel extremely lonely and disconnected from the people around me. I feel totally alienated from my own family and I feel this suffocation inside me which is really killing me.
When I was in school, we were taught Islamic studies right from kindergarten till grade 12, and even during my graduation, Islamic studies was a compulsory subject. We were taught a whitewashed version of Mohammed’s biography which depicted him as a saint, a kind hearted and loving prophet of God who wanted a Utopian society where everyone believed in one God. He was a poor orphan who lost his mother at the age of 6 and then was brought up by his grandfather and uncle, then married a woman 15 years older than him. He defended this people from the enemy and the wars that he fought were only defensive. This was what I knew all my life until recently when I read the truth behind his benevolent demeanor, when I was exposed to books such as Understanding Muhammad, The Truth about Muhammad, The Cult of the Moon God, Why I am not a Muslim and several other similar books. One day, I want to write a book as well, about my past life and a typical Muslim woman’s life, the challenges she faces on a day to day basis. In fact, I already got an offer to co-write a book, and I am seriously considering the possibility of doing it.
But before I do that, the blog thing is not a bad idea at all, all thanks to my dear friend & well wisher Robert Spencer. By the way, someone seriously thinks that I happen to be Robert’s alter ego or something like that... Well, to put an end to such baseless rumors, I would appreciate if you could have a look at the following links. Now don’t tell me that Robert would actually go through such lengths to prove his point. Come on guys, he has better things to do than this….Anyway, the following are a few questions that I wrote to Ali Sina when I first started having doubts regarding my beliefs. I have also written to Daniel Pipes, David Wood and Pamela Geller. Now don’t tell me that Robert pretended to be some Shakila and wrote to all of these people. Don’t you think that is far too desperate even if he wants to prove his point that Islam is a hoax? No one can hate anyone or anything that much, to go to such lengths.
I am not trying to defend myself. I don’t care what you think of me but I do feel terribly guilty when you make Robert seem to stoop so low.